From the editor, opinions

Opinion: Adulting is Hard When You Use Stupid Fucking Made Up Words Like “Adulting”

Let’s face it. Being an adult is not fire emoji. Sure you slip your TOMS slip-ons on one after the other like everyone else, but you’re a different kind of grown up, the kind that takes a few Instagrams of your cat before zipping your fixed gear over to Open Harvest on your commute to work.

The overpriced vegan wrap you bought tastes bland, but so does the bag of flax seed snacks you plan on gagging down during your shift at Nelnet. Of course no food item could possibly be as nauseating as how this Open Harvest cashier smells.

After a quick stop to see your fam at Cultiva for your morning Joe, you arrive to your workstation to begin your shift as a glorified bill collector with a way niftier sounding job title. You nestle your Open Harvest paper bag on to your desk, the white bag itself still somehow reeking of the employee’s sludgy body odor. You pull the cracked iPhone 7 from your back pocket to reveal 23 “likes” and seven comments of various emojis on your catstagram picture. “Sorry squad. Adulting at work right now, talk soon!” you comment on your own photo before setting your cell down. Today is your day.

Aside from the process of moving money from your Venmo account to your checking account to pay your gas bill, (Thanks for paying me back for the Coachella tickets, bae,) today was an ordinary day of glorified bill collecting. You adjust your year round stocking cap. Off to Yia Yia’s Pizza for dinner.

The hunk of bread served with your slice is stiffer than it usually already is, but nothing a slightly chilled Old Style can’t glug down. You don’t even remember which slice of pizza you ordered, you just know you need a ration of sustenance before you head to Jake’s Cigars for drinks, and to hopefully pet a dog.

Jake’s is filled with the same people that are always there, but you saw a dog as soon as you walked in. #Blessed. After adding some Doggo Snaps to your Story you hit the bar side to lock in on a craft beer that no one else in the room is drinking yet. There are some losers playing dominos in a booth and you think about joining them, but remember you don’t like people, and you also haven’t had a chance to look at Reddit today.

Your iPhone is now at 8% and you have chugged seven pints of bitter, carbonated, hops water. It is time to go home, but the thought of your studio apartment and kitty cat break you out of your drunken blur. You are adulting now. You know the bar-back. They worked at Amigo’s with you when you were fifteen. Maybe they have a iPhone charger. Perhaps they can also get you some shifts as a bar-keep. You deserve it, and you need the money. You spent every drop of your student loan money on hummus, and it is time to one hundred percent emoji af your future.

After talking to the bar-back about trap music for two hours, you slowly wander your cracked iPhone to the eye that isn’t closed all the way and thumb the pink Lyft app. As soon as you don’t remember how you got home, it is time to change your life forever. Adulting shrugging African American woman emoji for reals this time, fam. Also you turned forty three last week and you haven’t returned your parent’s voicemail yet. Remember that when you wake up.

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