food & dining, huge creeps

New Study Confirms: Not Enough Hot and Slutty Girls in Lincoln to Maintain a Breastaurant

Lincoln NE (SN) – The American Journal of Science has released a report confirming what Lincoln residents have known for years: There is not a large enough population of hot and slutty girls to maintain a breastaurant in Lincoln. For those of you non-pervs, a breastaurant is a restaurant in the mold of Hooters or Twin Peaks. Scantily clad waitresses serve fried bar food to men who feel the need to eat food with an erection.

To cite the article: “Although Lincoln Nebraska has plenty of hot girls and plenty of slutty girls, there just are not enough with both qualities willing to wear crops tops and booty shorts and serve fried pickles on a daily basis. It’s truly unfortunate.”

Lincoln has seen three breastaurants open and close in the past years. The Hooters location is now a completely boner-killing coffee shop and beauty store. The Tilted Kilt closed in 2014, but not before super creep store manager Dustin Lindgren was convicted of filming women in the changing room. Apparently no one clued him in that you could find naked lady pictures on the internet for free. Lastly, Twin Peaks changed its name and changed its format to a more modest dress code, making it nearly impossible to stay hard during your meal.

breast
Local father and Nelnet employee Brad Nelson poses with servers because of “how good his burger was.”

Turnover is very high in the breastaurant industry. Former Hooters manager Brad Wilkinson explains why: “Waitresses only last for a month or so before they get tired of fake flirting with old men for tips. These guys have no lives and our waitresses are the only females that will acknowledge their existence. These poor girls have to pretend these guys are funny and charming. That takes its toll.  It doesn’t help matters that their entire wardrobe smells like grease. These girls go home smelling like a grease bin every night. We tried to replace the staff but we can’t keep up. There just are not enough young, hot women angry at their fathers in this city to stay in business.”

The study reports a Lincoln breastaurant will churn though all the willing hot and slutty women in about 3 months.

For now, Lincoln residents will be forced to get their jollies from the various strip clubs around town, which seem to have no problem staying open.

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