Lincoln NE (SN) – Following the complete renovation of Yia Yia’s Pizza, who underwent scrutiny and pressure from customers after a negative restaurant inspection went viral, the city of Lincoln asked the health department to conduct a deeper review into all businesses in the downtown O street area.
The results were captivating, as health inspectors discovered that every single building in Lincoln that is over one hundred years old reeked of violations and reports of cockroaches and mouse droppings, rendering one state employee “vomiting profusely.”
“I was assigned to inspect the structure between 12th and 13th on O street, you know, by the Union Bank building that hasn’t held a tenant in over fifteen years and usually has homeless people sleeping in front of it,” the state employee told reporters. “I nearly passed out from what I witnessed. It was horrendous… completely uninhabitable. Almost as bad as my monthly inspection of the Vina Vietnamese market on 27th and Vine.”
Other top health hazard offenders included Pershing auditorium, whom the state has barred from the necessary permits to hold any concerts until their bat infestation has been resolved, and The Fat Toad, after two skanky girls were discovered to have been locked in the basement looking for a purse for three years, the popular dance club is closed until an official investigation is completed.
It wasn’t until inspectors made it to 1425 H street that they simply cut their losses and strong-armed mayor Beutler into shutting down the entire downtown area of Lincoln until further notice.
“Every. Single. Toilet. Was. Clogged.And.Overflowed.” said state inspector Andy Jacobs shaking his head in ire. “Whoever lives in the Governor’s mansion does not know how to operate a toilet.”