Washington D.C. (SN) – On Tuesday, in a congressional hearing lasting for over 5 hours, Senators Deb Fischer (R., Neb), Ben Sasse (R., Neb) and over 40 of their prankster colleagues questioned Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg about the recent failings of his company. Unbeknownst to the general public, before the hearing began each Senator agreed to throw in $50 in the pot to see who could ask the dumbest question and still keep a straight face.
Third place went to Ben Sasse, who asked Mr. Zuckerberg, (a genius who started one of the most ingenious and transcendental products of our lifetime), “Can you define hate speech?” Zinger! Zuckerberg didn’t lower himself to answering that question, and Sasse went on to voice concerns that pro-life opinions might be banned as hate speech for some reason. It was odd that he would pair those two things together, but he managed not to laugh and got to take home $100 for his efforts.
Second place went to jokester Senator Lyndsey Graham (R. SC) who asked “Is Twitter the same as Facebook?” Whammo! Senator Graham was trying to nail Mark Zuckerberg into admitting Facebook was a monopoly, when any human not currently in a coma knows there are about 30 other apps you could use that do the same thing as Facebook. Somehow Senator Graham delivered that question with a completely deadpanned demeanor and won $400.
First Place went to Senator Deb Fischer (R., Neb), who stuttered and stammered, to ask a question about data collection or something. “How many data categories do you store, does Facebook store, on the categories that you collect?” and “How many do, does Facebook store out of that? Do you store any?” A completely befuddled Mark Zuckerberg was unable to answer, as what she just said was one of the most insanely idiotic things anyone has ever heard. At no point in her rambling, incoherent question, was she even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in the room became dumber for having listened to it. She was awarded no points but she did win $1500 since she kept a straight face.
Runners-up included Senator John Kennedy (R., CA) who said that the Facebook user agreement “sucks” and was too hard to understand and that no one ever reads it, much like the bills that get passed in Congress that Congressmen don’t read either.
Gary Peters (D., MI) asked if Facebook could be listening through user microphones in mobile devices in order to run more pointed ads, since his constituents and staffers had suggested to him that was happening. He could have won but he snickered a little so he was eliminated from winning the contest.
The hearing continues Wednesday as Congress, once again, tries to prove to the world that they have no fucking clue about how things work.
For those of you with jobs that didn’t have time to watch 5 hours of nonsense, you can watch Deb Fischer’s amazing question and Ted Cruz play on his phone here: