downtown lincoln, Slow Nuesday

Local Businesses Devastated by Haymarket Road and Sidewalk Improvements

Lincoln NE (SN) – Renovations to the Haymarket are now underway as construction crews have started replacing the historical buffalo brick roads and sidewalks with modern concrete at various intersections in the area. This is part of the $1.5 million sidewalk improvement project approved in early March that has stirred controversy among some outspoken local business owners.

“This is going to kill my small business!” said cabriolet driver Duke Elderberry. “The two nights a year I work near Christmas are ruined. Romantic couples used to come to me for an authentic horse and buggy ride, but it’s never going to be the same without the uneven bricks and teeth chattering vibrations.” Polishing a pocket watch on his silk vest and fixing an askew top hat, Duke continued, “I blame those Copacabana bicycle rides, you know? Trying to pass themselves off as group therapy by blasting Jimmy Buffett and distributing beer bongs to patrons. They’ve got the city council right in their palmtree patterned shirt pockets!” Elderberry did go on to mention that despite the setbacks, the bitter cold and permeating smell of horse shit will “Still be part of the cabriolet experience.”

An inaccessible sidewalk in Lincoln’s historic Haymarket.

“We’re already seeing the negative effects on our sales and repair numbers. Fewer and fewer people are coming in to replace their struts and shocks,” said local Auto Repair owner Gareth Johnson. “We used to get a reliable amount of business from vehicles ruined by driving in the Haymarket. Now we just have to hope and pray our customers frequent the parking lot at SouthPointe mall and shred what is left of their suspension.”

Responding to controversy, Lincoln Urban Development Department manager Harvey Salomi defended the decision. “After chaperoning my teenage step-daughter to see Lady Gaga at the Sprint Center and taking a long hard look at the ground around the Power and Light District in Kansas City, we decided that the buffalo brick back in Lincoln was just ‘very 1867.’ ” Looking to the future, Salomi states “It is my hope that these improvements will foster our ongoing innovation in the Haymarket & Railyard by continuing to always do the exact same thing that Kansas City already did 10 years ago.”

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