politics, sports n snorts, TLDRsdays

Ricketts Family to Sell Chicago Cubs Franchise

The Ricketts family, owners of TD Ameritrade and one of two Chicago based major league baseball clubs, made the announcement that they would be selling the Chicago Cubs to further invest their stake in American politics.

Nebraska Governor Pete Ricketts explained the decision: “After our tepid start to the season our family feels it’s time to move on from the Chicago Cubs. I mean, they just split a series with the Miami Marlins. The fucking Marlins. They are basically a AAA team and we couldn’t sweep them. The Cubs just set the record for strike outs by a team to start the season by the way. I’m out.”

“We are going to use the money from the sale to help get our execution numbers back up in Nebraska. Those are the kind of stats I can get excited about. Not WHIP and BABIP. Instead of K’s per 9 we will be working on kills per 12 (months). Let’s get this ball rolling.  We had a lot of good momentum putting millions into reversing Nebraska’s death penalty ban.  My dad and I put nearly a half million into getting signatures towards getting execution back on the table in Nebraska. It’s like we are playing our own game of catch with each other… but we never really played catch did we? Why didn’t we ever play catch dad? Why?”

He continued, “We don’t currently have a way to legally execute anyone right now, because the drugs we would normally use are in question by the FDA, but I’m sure my dad will figure that out. He’s the best.”

Pete Ricketts, Laura Ricketts, Tom Ricketts, Todd Ricketts
Nebraska Governor Pete Ricketts

In 2015, the Nebraska state legislature voted to repeal the death penalty, overriding governor Ricketts’ veto. However, the Ricketts’ family-funded petition drive secured enough signatures to suspend the repeal until a public vote. In the November 2016 general election, Nebraska voters rejected the repeal measure, preserving capital punishment in the state.

The sale of the Chicago Cubs franchise could net the Ricketts family upwards of 1 billion dollars — money the Ricketts family says they’ll spend influencing elected representatives all across the United States.

Family patriarch and founder of Ameritrade Joe Ricketts declined to comment in an interview, but responded to an email inquiry saying he was now in the business of, “unionizing politicians” for his own gain.  The comment came as a thumb in the eye to many who know Ricketts as a robust anti-unionist, as well as former employees of now-shuttered Ricketts’ owned businesses DNAinfo and The Gothamist.  Both were shut down a week after employees had voted to unionize.

Understandably, the prospective buyers of the Chicago Cubs franchise include media moguls Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, a host of wealthy republicans, and President Donald Trump himself, who know the price tag of the team will most likely come back to them in one way or another.

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