music, wildlife, zoology

A Ferocious Jungle Cat Nearing Extinction, Only One Left in the Wild

Lincoln NE (SN) – The last remaining A Ferocious Jungle Cat has been missing for over a month, as environmental destruction and poaching has lead the species to the brink of extinction. Experts are concerned it could be completely extinct since there has not been a sighting of A Ferocious Jungle cat since February 27th at Duffy’s.

“We have seen no signs of A Ferocious Jungle Cat for the last month,” says UNL biology department chief Greg Flagstaff. “No scat, no carcasses, no tracks, no Facebook invites to a show, no thunderfunk rumbles. Nothing. I’m worried that we’ve seen the last A Ferocious Jungle Cat in our lifetime.”

juglecat
A Ferocious Jungle Cat, trying to look cute for Zoo Bar Zoo Keepers so it can be let out.

Scientists blame the declining population of ferocious jungle cats to the clear cutting of rain forest habitats around the world, as well as audiences waning interest in ensemble rap/funk/brass/jam bands. Poachers also prize the trombone section of A Ferocious Jungle Cat, as they believe grinding up the horn can be an aphrodisiac, even though A Ferocious Jungle Cat has never made anyone remotely horny.

“Sure we could keep A Ferocious Jungle Cat locked up at the Zoo Bar, but it needs to roam free,” says Flagstaff. “It needs to be able to graze and hunt at the Bourbon or the Waiting Room. Hopefully humans can change their ways and it’s not too late to save the precious creature.”

The World Wildlife Fund is offering a reward for any knowledge regarding the whereabouts of A Ferocious Jungle Cat. Please email SmellNebraska(at)gmail.com so we may take credit for it. We are also looking for interns

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