featured, home and garden, lincoln

Lincolnites Panic As Landfill Cardboard Ban Approaches

Lincoln NE (SN) – Lincoln residents are scrambling to throw away as much cardboard as possible while they still can.

As of April 1, clean and dry corrugated cardboard will no longer be accepted at the city landfill, and Lincolnites are not happy with the environmentally friendly change in policy.

“This is an absolute outrage,” shouted Lincoln native Brad Winhordst. “Do you know how many boxes of useless shit my wife orders online? Does the city expect me to load up my vehicle every week to visit one of the 28 free recycling sites? My SUV gets 15 miles to the gallon. I won’t even get started on the ridiculous rules about yard waste, my lawn is already an embarrassment to the entire near-south community!”

Kinnison is referencing the state law that requires grass and leaves be separated from household trash from April 1 until Dec. 1.

The scene at the Kinnison residence on Garfield street.

“So I have this trash can for trash, this ugly blue bin for recycling, and this diarrhea green yard waste trashcan. They just dropped all of them off at my curb for me without asking about any aesthetic or color scheme related preference,” Winhordst added.


“We are at threat level brown people! Let’s go!” shouted resident James Hackenbush. “My family and I are scouring the house looking for cardboard. We only have a couple of days to sweep the house and make sure everything made of cardboard gets in the trash before April 1st. I’ll be damned if I’m taking it to a recycling center so it can actually help our planet.”

“I’ve been saving the box from this 56 inch tv in my basement for the last 7 years, just in case I need to return it for some reason,” says Hackenbush. “I guess I won’t at this point. Got this box from an old Gateway computer too. If I want this to take up space in our overflowing landfill I have to act now. There is no time to waste.”

Hackenbush crammed more cardboard into an overflowing blue bin. “I told the kids that their box fort has got to go. Sorry kids. Not my rule. That begs the question ‘where does it end?’ What’s next? Are they going to say I can’t throw my old batteries in the lake? Are they gonna say I can’t dump this old couch in a ditch along the side of the road? Our rights are being removed one by one and it needs to stop. Thanks Obama.”

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