featured, food & dining

Runza To Go Green, Function Entirely Off Of Farts From People That Ate Runza

Lincoln NE (SN) – Runza Restaurants may have figured out the secret to perpetual energy.

The local Lincoln German/American fast food chain, who’s signature sandwich boasts a robust mixture of cabbage, onions, and seasoned ground beef, may have cracked the code to complete sustainability. Runza Restaurants of America hired a team of consultants to analyze fart samples from a large group of Runza regulars.

The results were stunning.

The combination of cabbage, ground beef, and bread in one Runza sandwich consumed by an average American created enough flammable fart gas to heat a standard double-wide trailer home for 6 hours. The consultants had even higher hopes for the franchise’s signature “Swiss Mushroom Runza.”

Save the planet with the Swiss Mushroom Runza combo meal.

“Test subject #00476, from Palmyra, NE, generated enough fart gas after two Swiss Mushroom Runzas to keep the 40th and Randolph location’s lights on for an entire business day.” Runza of America representative David Oakley told reporters. “We can announce that location “zero carbon” by early 2019 if we can complete our updates to the ventilation ducts.”


Oakley continued on to describe an intricate vacuum controlled ventilation system that “captures the flatulence before you even catch wind of it,” though patrons that eat inside of fast food restaurants in today’s age are probably prepared for it regardless.


There is, as expected, a small fee for “polluters” insisting on using the drive thru, and an increase in price of menu items that don’t “pitch in” as much passing wind.


“As a native Nebraskan restaurant, we have always thought “locally,” with the increased signs of global warning, we need to start thinking “globally.” David addressed Smell Nebraska. “If you enter our business ordering mini corndogs and a salad, you are part of the problem, not the solution, and will be forced to pay a little extra for your ignorance.”


Any negativity will be answered with positive news.


“We are saving this very planet as we know it, this has to make our consumers feel good about their purchases.” The representative answered. “Also any child up to 3 years old eats for free anymore as long as you are dining in. Have them try our new deep fried Brussels sprouts.”


UPDATE: After this article hit the internet, Valentino’s Pizza Co joined forces with Runza of America to promise a carbon neutral Memorial Stadium by Husker kick-off 2020.

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