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In-Line, Pass, PPU, Go Fuck Yourself: The Ins and Outs of LinConsign

Lincoln NE (SN) – We have all been there. You are getting really into deviled eggs lately but just don’t know how to keep them all organized. What you need is a deviled egg holder, but in these tough times, who can afford such luxuries? If you are thrifty, you can find everything you need or don’t need on LinConsign. LinConsign is a Facebook group for bored housewives to sell items that no longer fill the void in their lives. Here are a few tips for beginners.

Tip #1: Never accept the first offer. – Let’s say someone is selling an decorative bronze rooster for $7. Immediately offer to buy it for half of what they are asking for whether you need it or not. They will probably accept your one dollar offer. Also, make up some sort of sympathetic story so that if they don’t sell it to you, they look like a greedy prick who enjoys watching others suffer. For example, “Is there anyway you could come down to $2 on that used baby bib? My baby daddy just got locked up again and my son is getting that crab leg butter all over his shirts. Please help. God bless.”

Tip #2: Make them come to you. – Why should you waste your precious time driving around town to buy a $10 minion Halloween costume for a Boston Terrier? If they want to sell it bad enough they will come find you. So what if they live at 27th and Yankee Hill and you live in Havelock? It’s up to them to get you the costume. They are the ones making all the money. Feel free to make up a story about how your Buick Oldsmobile has a flat tire or about how your gout is acting up again.

Tip #3: Make them wait. – LinConsign is all about power. Don’t be too eager to buy or else you will lose that power. Try to be first in line, after that, wait at least 2 days to reply back to any message. By that time you have the seller right where you want them. They will gladly take your half priced offer. And if the seller has the audacity to offer it to the next person in line, make sure you complain to everyone. Take screen shots showing that you were first, send a text to the moderator and complain, and be sure to tell everyone how terrible the seller is and make sure they can never sell a cupcake stand on LinConsign ever again.

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Buy this used 14 year old $10 Playstation 2 game on LinConsign today for only $25!

Tip #4: Show up with cash, just not enough. – Those antique wood shipping pallets are exactly what you need to complete your cute rustic outdoor patio sofa, so much so that you need them for $10, rather than the seller’s steep $15. If the seller insists you drive to their house, against your strongest “my thirty eight month old has a fever” excuse, up the ante and show up with $8 cash. Act surprised and nervously bury your face into the sleeve of your North Face jacket as you loudly discover at their front door: “I drove all the way across town and totally thought I had a ten dollar bill.”

Tip #5: Be polite, at first. – The name of the game of LinConsign is cooperation. You must cooperate with the seller and be polite, until they scorn you. Let’s say you want to buy 13  bottles of shampoo that someone bought during a coupon rampage. They don’t accept your $3 offer. At that point you have been personally disrespected and the gloves can come off. Let them know how you feel. Don’t mince words. Remember, it’s the internet and you can say whatever you want without repercussion. Feel free to track them down where they work, call their house late at night and hang up, or even seduce their husband into a scandalous and tawdry affair that will rip apart not one, but two families, and harm everyone it it’s wake. “Should’ve sold me that shampoo now, huh? Bitch.”

Tip #6: Agree to meet in a well-lit public place. – Safety is essential when you agree to buy something like a rusty screen door on LinConsign,  Make sure you meet the seller in a well-lit public place, that way they won’t steal the $7 cash you brought and leave you with nothing. With people around, it’s also much harder for them to kidnap you, stick you in a secret room in their basement, slim you down a little, and use your flesh for a DIY skin suit so they can finally be a real woman.

Of course you could just save yourself a lot of time and money if you just used Amazon to buy quality things at an affordable price, but that’s not the point of LinConsign. The point of LinConsign is winning. You want to win that charming hand painted “Love Conquers All” sign made out of reclaimed barn wood, even though there isn’t a square inch of wall space left in your house to hang it on. You want to win that dvd copy of “Speed 2.” You want to win that quesadilla maker. If you follow these helpful tips, you will be a winner too.

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