featured, movies, music

Ozzy Osbourne Banned From Omaha for Pissing on the Alamo Drafthouse

La Vista NE (SN) – It seems metal’s “Prince of Darkness” was not given the royal treatment this last Sunday after getting kicked out of the Alamo Drafthouse and later banned from the greater Omaha area for life for urinating outside of the hip theatre chain.

“Sharon had gone to tell us to watch a bloody ‘lil cinema and before [inaudible rambling] Sharon said [inaudible rambling] I bloody guess.” Ozzy Osbourne described the humiliating experience to reporters.

Managers explained that John Michael “Ozzy” Osbourne had arrived late to a showing of “D2: The Mighty Ducks” and was not respectful to the Drafthouse’s strict guidelines regarding cell phone usage and mid-movie chatter.

“He walked in about 20 minutes into the movie and immediately started shouting to movie-goers if they were watching “Dawson’s Creek,” general manager Jack Nelson recalled. “Due to his celebrity status we did issue a stern warning for him to quiet down, as we usually kick the patron out immediately, but we had no choice when he started screaming into his cell phone to his wife Sharon trying to remember Emilio Estevez’s name.”

Nelson proudly went into further detail about their “zero tolerance” cell phone/talking policy, as the business also promotes annoyed patron’s to grab a pencil and menu at any time to anonymously narc on the person next to them.

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The Alamo Drafthouse | 12750 Westport Pkwy, La Vista, NE

“We have servers that come by to pick up beverage or food orders on these little penciled menus. We ask that anyone that wants to snitch on their neighbor for pulling their phone out jot their complaint on the menu and wait for someone to collect it.” Jack continued. “You should have seen the amount of complaints the great Ozz had by the time security carried him out.”

The 69 year old legend was reportedly “distraught” after being thrown out of the place of business, and after a brief argument with the bouncers started urinating on the side of the building while yelling complete nonsense. This was when nearby police arrested Ozzy, who was quickly barred from the metropolitan area for life by Mayor Jean Stothert.

Aside from missing the infamous “knuckle puck” scene. Sunday marked the 37 year/one month anniversary of police arresting Ozzy, for public intoxication and public urination on the Alamo that ultimately led to his being banned from the city of San Antonio for ten years.

 

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