Lincoln NE (SN) – Lincoln fast food chain Amigos has unwittingly opened up a portal to the underworld with the release of its newest menu item, the crisp crab rangoon burrito. The 70-foot diameter pathway opened unexpectedly overnight and completely swallowed up the Arby’s restaurant next door.
“This ungodly food abomination has had the unforeseen consequence of opening a portal straight into Hades,” says Amigos Chief of Marketing Brad Stadler. “We knew we shouldn’t be messing around with things we don’t understand, like food, but we did it anyway.”
Along with the loss of the Arby’s restaurant, Lincoln has had to deal with a multitude of demon related issues. “We have had all kinds of strange occurrences,” says Lincoln’s Chief of Police Jeff Bliemeister. “People have been hearing spooky noises. Other people reported that they took a shitty picture and swore there is a ghost in it. Still other people claimed that Nebraska could make the NCAA tournament in basketball. Crazy stuff.
Until now, Amigos has best been know for is signature lettuce milk soft tacos, but opening another dimension puts it into a category all its own. Says Stadler, “We figured since we totally nailed Mexican food, why not branch out and try crushing it in asian cuisine as well? Obviously we had no idea how bad of an idea this was, I mean, we knew it was bad, just, you know… sorry. Sorry about the Arby’s.”
The last time a fast food item caused a catastrophe of this magnitude was when D’Leon’s introduced the surf and turf burrito, forcing Lincoln’s sewage treatment plant to shut down.
The brand new Crab Rangoon Crisp Meat Burrito is available at your local Amigo’s restaurant today. Try it with their exclusive “ordinary Kikkoman soy sauce” dipping sauce (for an extra 50 cents.)