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Omaha Cocaine Dealers Petition Mayor’s Office For Darker Bathrooms

Omaha NE (SN) – On Monday, Omaha’s cocaine dealers gathered together to petition the mayor’s office to enact an ordinance to make the city’s bathrooms darker.

“We stand here today to ask mayor for one thing, to make our bathrooms darker again!” says infamous coke dealer Tyrone Harris, know as T-Dawg on the street. “It’s way too bright in there! They got all these fluorescent lights and shit. Everyone who comes in to piss is all up in our business. It’s none of their business. Stay in your lane. Mayor Stothert, something needs to be done.”

In the past, coke dealers would just knock out a light bulb or two in order get the correct amount of illumination. Now, with the advent of led light bulbs and recessed lighting, it makes it very hard to pass off a plug of woo-woo without every jive turkey in the bar figuring out what is going on.

cocaine2
Classic two-seater in the Old Market.

T-Dawg also pleaded for bathroom stalls that fit 6 people be mandatory. “Right now, if you want to do a toot of yeyo with 5 other guys, the only bathroom stall big enough in town is at Parliament. Otherwise you be touching butts with all these homies and be all up in that. I ain’t about that life.”

Mayor Jean Stothert issued a statement, reflecting the coke dealers requests. “While the mayor’s office understands that the sale and consumption of speedballs and coco-puffs is essential for a thriving downtown nightlife, the city of Omaha does not have funds to make necessary changes at this time. All of our energy and resources are tied up into installing GPS trackers on our snow removal vehicles, so citizens will be able to track how many days it will be before their neighborhoods are cleared of snow.”

Despite the disappointing news, T-Dawg and his fellow dealers are not dismayed. “We be hanging out in the old market bathrooms selling our jelly beans and flamethrowers no matter what. Whether it’s bright in there or only fits 3 people, we be posted up in here all night. Ain’t no thing.”

“All drug terms were taken from HERE since Smell Nebraska reporters have only ever tried chew.”

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