Lincoln NE (SN) – In a statement Thursday, Governor Pete Ricketts offered thoughts and prayers to the victims in Wednesday’s school shooting in Parkland Florida. “I send our thoughts and prayers to all those impacted by this senseless shooting, and we will also raise our flags to half staff because that makes a huge difference in these sorts of things.”
Governor Ricketts saved the best for last, however. Along with sending his thoughts, he also prayed that God bring the victims back to life, and this time, God was listening.
“It’s nothing short of a miracle!” exclaimed Florida Governor Rick Scott. “Thanks to the efforts of Governor Ricketts and others across the country, we have reached the threshold of thoughts and prayers needed to bring these mass shooting victims back to life. Looks like we dodged a bullet on this one, pun intended ‘wink’.”
Shooting victim Caleb Monson was of of the deceased teenagers brought back from the dead. “It was cool up there. I had my own cloud and everything. I saw my dead grandparents talked to them for a while, but there where a whole bunch of other relatives I never even heard of before and I’ll be honest, I didn’t really have much to say to them. I was just about to throw a golden frisbee to my dead dog Scrappy, but then Gabriel, (we called him Gabby up there), tapped me on the shoulder and said I had to go back. Kind of bummed cuz I was just getting the hang of these tiny wings and I was thinking about taking up the lyre, but I guess I have an eternity to do that next time I die.”
Ricketts had even more surprises when he announced that he arranged it with God to give the shooter, Nikolas Cruz, his own special section of hell. “Upon Mr. Cruz’s death in 2067, he will be given his own winged pigman demon to stab him over and over with a red hot poker, right in the anus, for eternity. He will also be forced to listen to Yoko Ono’s album “Starpeace” on repeat, until the end of all time.”
Monson was not exactly excited by this news. “I mean, I hope he spends an eternity in hell, he deserves it, but look at me. I went from an eternity in heaven back to high school. I’m back in fucking high school! It’s the worst place in the world. Thanks a lot guys. I’m not sure who has it worse to tell you the truth.”
God could not be reached for comment because, well, you know…
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