Lincoln NE (SN) – The scene was chaotic Wednesday evening, as hundreds of drunk assholes congregated in the parking lot of the now closed Village Inn at 29th and “O” Street, demanding to be allowed in to eat pancakes and be rude to their server.
Before long, the stumbling crowd of dipfucks began to get “hangry” and started shouting things like, “Hell no we won’t go!”, “I want my santa fe skillet NOW!”, and “Donka Doo Balls!”
It took some time for the crowd of intoxicated idiots to realize that their usual late night hangout had recently closed for good earlier this week. This particular restaurant had been a favorite of drunk assholes for over 40 years, as they could be complete dickheads while they ate breakfast food and skillet dinners.
Former night shift manager Greg Branson told Smell Nebraska about the horrors he witnessed. “They would order everything on the menu, extra pancakes. Probably only eat half of it. Most of the food would end up on the floor and all the napkins would be shoved into the glasses. No one ever tipped and half the customers didn’t even pay for their food. Twenty percent of them would pass out in a booth and have to be carried out. Bodies were everywhere. I’ve never seen such devastation, and that was just every Tuesday…” Branson’s voice trailed off as he stared into space for a couple minutes, obviously trying to deal with some pent up emotions.
“Deep down they are terrible people, but I will sort of miss those dumbshits,” says former waitress Melba Cartwright. “In a way, they were like a family. A family that you hated to see walk in the door, and a family that you wished would suffer an untimely death. I’m not sure if I will be able to find a job where I can take that much abuse for so little pay. Maybe I can be a meter maid or referee intramural basketball games? We’ll see.”
After 45 minutes the crowd finally dispersed as they were eventually able to call for enough lyfts and ubers to get them to another late night destination. Most went to High Way Diner, where their raucous behavior was expected and welcome. Others were forced to go to McDonalds or Deleon’s, where, unfortunately, they could only annoy the one person in the drive through window and not an entire restaurant.
“Dude, I got a surf and turf burritooooooooooooo! Weeeeeeeeeeaaaaah” exclaimed drunk asshole Jim Dauschauer as he clumsily chomped into a microwaved Deleon’s item. Early reports show that most of the drive through orders were not eaten, instead being left behind in the uber or dropped in the yard on the way to the front door.