Lincoln NE (SN) – Frustrated with his inability to kill death row inmates with illegally imported drugs, Governor Pete Ricketts has ordered ‘accidental’ prison yard shankings to mete out death penalty sentences. “My administration has tried everything to kill off these guys, but thanks to Federal laws we are not allowed to use humane drugs to end the lives of these death row inmates. I feel like I’m left with no other choice but to order gangland type stabbings to solve this matter.”
Governor Ricketts had previously purchased over $54,000 of sodium thiopental and pancuronium bromide, two drugs used in lethal injections, from India. “We had it all set up,” says the Governor. “Some were sent in an unmarked FedEx package, some were brought in with a drug mule, and some we just hid in our shampoo bottles when we came back from vacation. We had it ready to go and the FDA comes along and says we can’t use it. India won’t even take it back anymore. What am I supposed to do? What would Jesus do? This is what Jesus would do.”
Ricketts’ new plan for killing off death row inmates is to ‘accidentally’ let them in the prison yard at a certain time. Another inmate will ‘accidentally’ be in the yard at the same time and ‘accidentally’ find a shank buried near the 3rd post to the left of the south tower. At that point an ‘accident’ will happen. The inmate chosen to do the deed will be awarded with a possibility of early parole and 5 extra packs of ramen noodles per week.
“We find this plan gets the job done quickly and effectively. There are no lawyers, no appeals, no protests, and no FDA telling me what I can and can not do. None of that boring stuff that slows down the process of taking a human life. Easy peazy. We will save the taxpayers hundreds of thousands of dollars, and that’s good for Nebraska. God bless.”