Southpointe Pothole Extends to the Center of the Earth

Lincoln NE (SN) – It is pothole season in Lincoln once again, and drivers can expect Swiss cheese conditions on many of the main roads. Road crews are poised to start patching streets early next week, but there is one hole they will not be filling. It can be found near the Michael’s craft store entrance in the SouthPointe Pavilions shopping center. The hole was first thought to be the result of a missing manhole cover, but was later determined to be a pothole that extends to the center of the earth.

“It’s pretty cool,” said Todd Runt, a Geology Teachers Assistant. “There’s very little geological interest in Nebraska, but UNL was the only school that would accept me. I have spent most of my time here pretending to be interested in Beal Slough up until now.”

Patrons of SouthPointe are less enthused. “It’s so stupid. There’s like a really big hole,” said Paige DeCoupage. “I practically live at Michael’s and this is a huge inconvenience for me. I don’t understand why the city can’t fill in the hole. I just don’t think they are being creative and that’s really frustrating. I once weatherproofed my deck with permanent markers.”

When asked if she knew about the 10 other entrances to SouthPointe, Paige said she would go to the Michael’s located in North Lincoln before she would consider using a different entrance to the art supply store.

Rick Stockham, road crew manager for the city of Lincoln explained, “Filling this hole would mean that no other potholes could be filled in Lincoln until around the year 2525.”

An aerial map of the proposed changes to SouthPoints Pavilion, including the pothole discussed. (Near the center of the photograph.)

Governor Pete Ricketts has already laid out his plan to use the hole, which leads directly to the molten hot center of the earth’s core, to carry out the death penalty in the state. Ricketts, who tried to illegally purchase lethal injection drugs last year, feels the hole is God’s way of telling him that it’s okay to kill people.

No word yet on how the hole is affecting business at the shopping Pavilions. Shooter Johnson, manager of the new 80-story Scheel’s sporting goods store located in SouthPointe, says the retailer has already begun ordering spelunking, rock climbing and repelling gear in the hopes that the spot will become popular with extreme sport enthusiasts.

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