BREAKING: Aubrey Trail Upgraded from Person of Interest to Piece of Human Garbage

Lincoln NE (SN) – Aubrey Trail, a person of interest in the disappearance and death of 24-year-old Sydney Loofe, has been upgraded from a person of interest to a piece of human garbage.

Although authorities don’t know the exact details of the Sydney Loofe case, they have compiled enough information to officially declare Trail as a “total dogshit person.”

“Looking into Mr. Trail’s history, we have found plenty of evidence to support the notion that he is an absolute disgrace to the human race,” says Lancaster County Sheriff Dwayne Richards. “This pig fucker has spent most of his life lying, cheating, and stealing. He also spent time as a Herbalife representative, just the worst of the worst.”

Authorities report Trail has spent the last few years traveling to various states with his “girlfriend” Bailey Boswell, who authorities also categorize as “living excrement.” The two of them ran many schemes, such as writing bad checks and the old fashioned “grab the gold coins when the old lady isn’t looking” scam.

Person of interest and bloated river corpse Aubrey Trail.

Now behind bars in relation to the missing person case, Trail has been reaching out to Smell Nebraska and other local media outlets on a regular basis. Claiming responsibility and even “challenging” the FBI to charge him.  He has also promised that there will be “fireworks” at the court hearings.

“He has tried to push for a fog machine in the courtroom, and keeps asking if he can enter the hearing to his favorite Staind song, we said no to both.“ Complained Trail’s defense lawyer, Korey Reinman. “He literally started his testimony last Thursday asking the judge if she wanted his autograph. Is this real life?”

Judge Cheryl Zwart was quick at the stand, responding, “Do you understand your right to remain silent?”

Trail answered: “I do, your honor. Now may I tell the courtroom about some great deals I can offer on nutrition supplements and other personal-care products?”

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