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Allo’s Assault on Lincoln’s Flowerbeds Continues Unabated Into its 18th Month

Lincoln NE (SN) – Like the German blitzkreig of World War II, Allo’s forces continue to sweep across Lincoln yards, digging holes and ruining flowerbeds all over town. Everyday, new holes are dug to lay high-tech fiber optic cable, everyday some old lady’s yard gets chewed up a little bit. So far nothing has seemed to slow them down. It’s as if they will not stop until they bring 1-gigabit service to every home and business in the city. Frightened citizens worry that their yard could be next.

Lincoln homeowner Brian Shandling shares his concerns. “Are they going to dig in my front yard? Are they going to dig in my backyard? I have kids. I’m scared of what may happen. I’m not sticking around to find out.”

Resident Gladys Peacock said it happened to her. “They cut a path from my hydrangeas clear across to my tiger lilies. It took them 4 entire days until they came back and fixed it up the way that it was before. Terrible.”

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Allo employee Cooper Thomas grinning like a prick after destroying a yard. | [Photo courtesy of Allo’s official webpage.]
Citizen Gary Chalmers remembers the day Allo came to his yard. It’s a day he will never forget. “They dug a trench 15 feet clear across the back of my yard, well, technically it’s not my property, it’s owned by the city, but still it was pretty traumatic trying not to fall into it. They sort of stepped on some of my tulips over there too. They are perennials! They only come back every year!”

Chalmers continues, “Sure they say they are offering faster internet and cable service to the entire city which will save everyone money and last for 35 to 50 years, and that’s great for everyone on the world wide web, but did they ever once think about these flowers? Or this dead grass? Oh the humanity!”

For Gladys Peacock, the pain never goes away. “They put a big green junction box over by the alley. I have to look at that everyday and remember what they did to my petunias. It’s like I’m being victimized all over again. Why is this happening to me?”

Allo was unable to be reached for comment because they have better things to do.

1 thought on “Allo’s Assault on Lincoln’s Flowerbeds Continues Unabated Into its 18th Month”

  1. Lol what a hack article with no author notation. Oh god the poor flower beds. Loving my 1 gig speed but have fun writing your shitty WordPress blogs while you dwell in your moms basement on your shit spectrum connection.

    Like

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