At four feet and eight inches tall, weighing just seventy seven pounds, and picking a zit on his face as Smell Nebraska interviewers approached, most would say Liam James Schmall looks like any other fourteen year old boy in the suburbs of Omaha.
“What do you know about super hot babes? I am the chosen one!” Liam snickered nervously as he adjusted his Millard West Wildcats baseball cap. “These sexy, adult women will do anything for a sticker and a photo-op, and I mean anything!”
Schmall sat down exclusively with Smell Nebraska to solve a mystery that has puzzled the metropolitan area for quite some time.
“I got home last Friday night, super late. My mom could smell the shots of Fireball on me, so she searched my bag and that is when she found the rubberbanded stack of OmahaNightLife.com stickers.” the fourteen year old confessed. “My mother freaked. I mean she was apparently an OmahaNightLife.com girl in a photograph on something she refers to as ‘SLAM Omaha’ or something… way before I was born. Is that like a slam poetry event or something?”
Liam’s mother, who refused to be interviewed, admitted off the record that she, herself, reached out to Smell Nebraska because she hoped that revealing the true identity of the ‘brand ambassador’ could be the only way to destroy the legacy once and for all.
“She can ground me, she can hit the papers, it won’t change anything. It is my destiny to carry on the age old tradition.” Liam says otherwise.
He then went on to tell us all about how he met his fate in the first place.
“I had just received a swirly in the handicapped bathroom over by Mr. Ellingson’s homeroom in 6th grade, when this super cool older kid scared my bully away and tossed me a towel.” Liam stated. “He then reached into his “What Does the Fox Say?” backpack and handed me the stack of stickers.”
Like a modern day crusty attic box of dirty magazines, Schmall explained how the ONL.com sticker is passed from generation to generation. “Eventually I’ll learn how to talk to the chicks in my pre calculus class, and then it will be time for me to move on and choose my protégé; I’ve been keeping tabs on a little scrawny sixth grader named Danny.” Liam revealed.
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