sculptures, the devil, the dumb

Complete Fucking Idiots Think Spider-Man’s Hands Are Devil Horns

Lincoln NE (SN) - A complete fucking idiot emailed the Mayor’s office complaining that a statue of Spiderman’s hands were “demonic, perverse, anti-christian, a hate crime against the church, and way too big for Spiderman.” City ombudsman (whatever that is) Liz Quenzer had a hearty laugh at the email. “Of course it’s demonic. We have… Continue reading Complete Fucking Idiots Think Spider-Man’s Hands Are Devil Horns

a music city without you, sorry

Machete Archive Returns, Reminds Every Other Local Musician That They Suck Balls at Their Instrument

Lincoln NE (SN) - Dozens of musical aspirations were crushed Saturday evening as Lincoln's Machete Archive reunited to, once again, prove that they are boundlessly and technically more talented than you at their respected instruments. The trio, who headlined a commanding line-up at Duffy's Tavern, effortlessly pumped out jam after jam of their unique blend… Continue reading Machete Archive Returns, Reminds Every Other Local Musician That They Suck Balls at Their Instrument

America, patriotism, Technology

Patriotic Nebraskans Celebrate America by Videotaping Fireworks in the Dark

Lincoln NE (SN) - July 4th marks the middle of summer, and Nebraskans are poised to celebrate America with cookouts, beers, and videotaping fireworks in the dark. Lancaster county comptroller Gary Robards predicts this year to be the biggest year yet for taking dark, blurry, videos of fireworks. Says Robards, “We are really excited. There… Continue reading Patriotic Nebraskans Celebrate America by Videotaping Fireworks in the Dark

gentrification, poor people

Pastor Deems Every Neighborhood North of Van Dorn “Breeding Ground for Problems”

Lincoln NE (SN) - With buildings up to 147 years old in the neighborhoods spanning South street all the way to Superior, it is no surprise that parts of the region would be reserved for middle and low income housing. Jeff Heerspink, pastor of the F Street Neighborhood Church, has come forward with a solution… Continue reading Pastor Deems Every Neighborhood North of Van Dorn “Breeding Ground for Problems”

patriotism, public safety

So You’re the Asshole That Is Already Firing off Fireworks

By the time you are sitting on your toilet reading this, it is likely 3:15pm. I know you were up all night drinking vodka Monster energy drink cocktails. I hope you slept well. Your six hour shift at Wendy's starts at 4pm, so take your time. Enjoy this BM. Shit until your legs are numb.… Continue reading So You’re the Asshole That Is Already Firing off Fireworks

crime, dog shit humans

Saline County Jurors Shocked to Learn Aubrey Trail Is Maybe Not the Best Dude

Wilber NE (SN) - Punctuating a missing person search, two police warrants, regular Facebook updates from the suspects, and a storm of social media attention, it has been safe to assume the circus surrounding the defendants in the Sydney Loofe murder trial would continue. Aubrey Trail, facing charges of murder in the first degree and criminal… Continue reading Saline County Jurors Shocked to Learn Aubrey Trail Is Maybe Not the Best Dude